I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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