His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
