It was confusing and full of hummus
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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