I CAN MOONWALK!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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