I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
