the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
