Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
