A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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