Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
