Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
