Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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