Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
