If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Alive.
So much puke
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize