After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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