I wish my penis had an off switch
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
