she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
