i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
