Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
