i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
