I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
