The brown eye won't let me do that either.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize