a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
