She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
