I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
