god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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