Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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