The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Say something about gay babies.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
