i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize