just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
