I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
