i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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