Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
