Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
