I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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