I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
