I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
