I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
