Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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