70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
