I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
someone owes me an orgasm
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
