she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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