Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
