so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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