Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
