Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
