Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
