oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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