Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
