I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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