$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
