I wish life had little blips of pornography
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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