Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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