My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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