i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
