im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
