I faked an abortion last night.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
