If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
