I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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