You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
