i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
