I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize