My friends, they love my intelligence
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
